by Ayna Lucille Chantong, Parent

Being a mother of a boy graduating from grade school this year, I have mixed feelings of happiness and anxiety. I sometimes ask myself… am I raising him well? Was I able to teach him the ability to look inside himself and to help him discover and develop the strength of his inner self during the so-called formative years?

Our boys are passing through this very important developmental phase known as adolescence. At this age, they are vulnerable and they do need a whole lot of attention and support from us, their parents. They are at the stage where they need to become more independent as they explore and establish their own identity.

How do we teach our boys to thrive given the new challenges that high school brings? Will they be able to face what the future brings with courage and confidence? How should we build their self-esteem to help them succeed and hurdle the challenges that come their way? When do we become a friend more than a parent? Or should we? Let us ponder on these points together:

TLC: Remember that boys, like girls, need our Tender Loving Care, too. They feel resentment when their needs are not met. Let us appreciate, understand, admire and be interested in the things they do. Let us be demonstrative and show how much we love them. Let us be generous with praise and quick to forgive. Let them feel that we love them unconditionally and when all things seem to fail, we are and will always be around to be their refuge and strength.

Are you aware that our boys suffer from stress, too? They are less adept to handle relationship troubles and academic pressure and feel twice distressed as adults do. Find time to ask them how they feel, and watch out for possible signs of distress like mood swings, bad behaviour, prolonged silence, withdrawal and even eating disorders.

Feelings are to be acknowledged and respected. Boys are also entitled to have their own feelings of fear and anxieties and they should be encouraged to be open about those feelings.

Teach them to be more caring individuals and to be sensitive of others’ feelings. Most boys growing into their teens try to put up a macho front, if only to avoid being ridiculed or to face disappointments. As a result, they become either overconfident or they under achieve. What should we do? Help them understand themselves in order to reflect on the consequences of their actions. Encourage them to think for themselves and to come up with solutions to problems. Teach them how to deal with anger and frustration. Put value on the importance of owning up to wrongdoings and asking for apology. Honor your point by offering apology when you have erred yourself. It is also important to explain your own feelings of anger or frustration. This teaches them to do the same.

Dialogue. Family conversations play a vital role in our boys’ lives. Talking with each other sends the message across that you are interested in what is happening to them. This builds up their communication skills and helps them grow up to be comfortable talking to other adults as well as with their peers. Be interested in the things they like. Be involved without being too intrusive. Listen to them and not just hear them. When they voice out their complaints and disappointments, acknowledge them. When they are ignored and neglected, they feel small and unimportant and this damages their self-esteem. Watch out for stress signals. When you sense trouble lurking about, constantly reassure them and provide an atmosphere for conversation and rich exchange of ideas.

Teach them to self-assess. Get them to decide and judge for themselves. Like everyone else, be they adult or children, boys even more so find it difficult to accept criticism. As soon as they learn to evaluate their own words and actions, the sting of criticism becomes a little less harsh. Let us be careful with the words we use when we catch them misbehaving. It takes a whole lot of praises to undo the harm of destructive criticism. Boys are capable of hiding feelings of rejection and resentment well. Avoid put-downs, rejections and blames. Help them put high regard on themselves and their capabilities. Through this, they will be able to muster enough confidence to tackle changes and new challenges. The same goes with accepting their friends. Let us be mindful of the things we say about their friends. This is the age where peer pressure kicks in. They are able to understand themselves through their friends. Friends may be their greatest source of comfort, support and loyalty, at this point. Encourage them to establish good friendships.

Pretty soon our boys will wonder about how to “grow muscles” and would soon worry about body shape and would deal with the ever-growing concern on acne. If you notice them starting to do weight lifting, refrain from teasing them. There will be adjustments in their interests and their taste in clothes, books and music will change. Give them room to be themselves. Support them through the changes and teach them the proper care of their body. Remember to teach them to fine-tune their personality, too.

Practice flexibility. As soon as family rules have been thoroughly explained and set, remember to be a fun and fair parent. Clear and simple rules implemented consistently circumvent conflict. Impose punishments only if necessary. Keep in mind that punishments should never be humiliating. Punish their act, not the boys.

Develop their EQ. Knowing how to resolve conflicts is a very important quality which our boys should build up. Conflicts are inevitable in our lives. Our boys learn to become emotionally-mature and to manage conflicts from us so let us draw out their inner strength. Make them believe in themselves. Let them know that we recognize their competence and that they deserve our respect. Help them to see the good in themselves. Help them to see through problems and the lessons that can be derived from them. This teaches them that problems are to be tackled face on and not to be recoiled from or solved for them by another person.

It is important that our boys should have at least one adult with whom they can be close to. They benefit much from nurturing a special relationship with a father figure. The influence of a male mentor provides a positive role model that can shape their future. One of the best influences that a father can have is the respect he shows for women. The best thing a father figure can do is to show love and respect for their mother. Verbal and physical abuses toward women are often the most damaging factors to boys’ mental health.

Make home a safe haven. It becomes hard for kids to come home to a home that is filled with conflict. This affects them in a very negative way. Work on creating a harmonious atmosphere and take extra effort in avoiding frequent arguments with everyone at home.

Motivate them to achieve, to learn to rise after every fall, to be confident in taking risks and facing changes, to overcome pessimism and to take pride in things that they are good at and not to be afraid of making mistakes. Teach them to see mistakes as learning tools. Under no circumstances should we make the mistake of reprimanding them when they fail. It is best to help them understand how the mistake happened and what steps to take in correcting them to avoid doing the same in the future. Be encouraging without being too intrusive and controlling. Get involved in their interests and the things they take pride in. This would make them feel that they are important to us and would eventually boost their self-esteem.

Boys are naturally more expressive in action rather than words. To help them develop their social skills, we need to be sociable ourselves. Talk to them a lot and encourage an exchange of thoughts and ideas.

Build up their self confidence by encouraging them to acquire as much skills as they can without posing undue pressure on what they can do or what we want them to become. Encourage them to be productive. Productivity boosts their self-esteem and builds up their psychological well being. Strike a balance between studying and playing. Help them to tap their talents and to identify their strengths. Respect their judgement and opinions. They may view things differently from us and expressing them should be encouraged.

Encourage independence with responsibility appropriate to the boys’ age and level of maturity. Exercise that famous phrase in Spiderman: “With great power comes great responsibility!” Give them freedom without being too lenient. Do not forget that they still need to be supervised and guided. When they go out with friends, monitor who they go out with and set a curfew. Discuss and agree with them a time for calling if and when they are going to be late. ü Responsible parenting includes developing their common sense and teaching them survival skills. Teach them how to cope with the outside world. With experience being the best teacher, we can go out walking or doing things together, incorporating lessons about street awareness. Also, it is at this age when our boys start to think and talk about sex, alcohol and drugs. It is very important to seriously discuss these issues openly with them.

Work on having a more positive approach especially in our choice of words. Negative labels like “bad”, “naughty”, “liar”, “idiot” and comments like “I do not care” , “Why don’t you ever…”, “Why are you…”, “Why can you not …” and the like, are very damaging to the boys’ belief in themselves. Bear in mind that it is wise not to make the mistake of comparing them with other boys. Lots of praise and kind words work wonders. ü And last and most important, be committed. While we give them opportunities to grow their own wings, show love and commitment through gentle patience and tolerance, accepting their limitations and working on their interests. We should never give up on our boys. Give them hope and faith in themselves while keeping a watchful eye over them. Being a parent is a tough job. But seeing our boys grow up to become the best persons they can be through our endless patience and selfless guidance, it all becomes worth the while. Let us recognize the Strength from Up There – let us temper our parenting chores with prayers for guidance from the one True Source of wisdom and strength. To my son John Akio, it is a great pleasure and experience being your mother. I send you all my love and good wishes as you leave childhood to enter the exciting teenage life. As you, my boy, turn into a man, I remain your most loyal ally.